Came back from nights out, and resting in front of my lappie, feeling really lethargic and exhausted. I just had a good talk over dinner with Jun He, and before i even initiated any conversation, i started off with "I am feeling really tired"... Its definitely not the archetypal physical form of wearisome, but more of a mental and physiological one - the kind of saddle that really drains your energy and vitality, wears you down, and then slowly tears you apart. Its those kind of feeling that you can attempt to conceal it from others, but you can never ignore that its evidently bottled within you. You try to convince yourself that its not a pertinent problem, but yet you are aware that these are going to be real problems that will haunt you one day. Its going to implode and tear you apart...
To be honest, I have never felt this kind of emaciation, not literally, (extreme leanness caused by starvation or disease) for long, especially ever since I have enjoyed a pretty smooth-sailing honeymoon period since March. Many problems have been besetting me recently -things that i tried to convince myself is superficial and not to be affected. And this is further compounded by the flu virus that struck me 2 weeks ago, and strains of it is still lingering within my body, and an ankle sprain during badminton just days back. I can only raise my white flag and admit that these series of events is just a culmination of bad luck accumulated, coincidentally during the 7th month Ghost Festival.
I pray hard that this despondent feeling trapped within me can be released, and the cherubic and vivacious side of me can be resurfaced. Its just that kind of sian feeling that is indescribable, and i doubt my writing this posting is going to be of any practical help anyway. Maybe i need to confide and share the problems with more people; the group of friends whom i truly can tide problems with :)
At least having a good night sleep at home is going to be therapeutic... wish me luck for BTT tmr and life moves on... Of army, wallaby, combat, non-combat, chiong sua, people, insensitive pricks, politics, education, overseas, scholarships, stocks, skin, badminton, ankle, tuition, money, goals, happiness ... and that practically sums up life. One by one, i shall take it by my stride.